Hello again. There has been a flurry of activity from me in the last 24 hours. I guess this is a perfect example of how grief works. One minute everything seems fine, the next is complete chaos. I am feeling much more at ease today.
Now that I am in a better place emotionally, I want to share more about our weekend in Maine. Ben and I have spent almost every 4th of July weekend at Gondola Cove since we started dating. Getting married there 6 years ago was an easy decision. Our wedding day was beautiful, even with the torrential rain. It was OUR day and it was perfect, flaws and all.
Fast forward 5 years, we celebrated another major milestone at GC, also in July. We found out we would be parents to our precious baby girl. We had just celebrated our 5 year anniversary. The timing could not have been better. What a beautiful gift from God.
Fast forward another year and here we are. Wow, things can really change in just one year. I feel so much older than I did one year ago. Hell, I feel so much older today than I did three months ago. It feels as though a lifetime has passed since finding out I was pregnant with Elliot. Oh yes, that’s right. It has actually been a lifetime, Elliot’s.
This past weekend was our third visit to GC since Elliot passed away. It is a peaceful, comforting place for us. But with our anniversary and the holiday, it felt different than the last two visits. We were faced with an important question; how do we continue to celebrate anniversaries, milestones, and holidays when we feel weighed down by so much sadness? Maybe we should try to focus on the fact that we celebrate Elliot and our love for her every day, and that our love for each other and for Elliot has brought us to where we are today. She can’t be here to celebrate with us in person, but she’s with us in spirit. I know she is watching over us and doesn’t want us to be sad. I know she’s waiting for us. Maybe those reminders are what we need to get through the holidays and anniversaries. They help us on regular days. Maybe we have to work a little harder to remember these things on the more difficult days.
Before we left GC, I felt so sad that I hadn’t actively connected more with Elliot while there. Ben reminded me that I am able to connect with Elliot anywhere and there is no set schedule. She’s always with me and I am always thinking about her. Shouldn’t that be enough some days? But I still felt like I should have done more. I think I will always feel guilty about something. As long as Elliot and I are physically separated from each other, I will feel guilty. I guess guilt goes hand-in-hand with parenting, whether you’re parenting a living child or a deceased child. Parents always find something to feel guilty about.
Even though I sometimes feel like I will never be okay, and that nothing will ever be enough, at some point it has to be. I have to figure out how to let it be enough for now. I have to remember that time means nothing where Elliot is. To her, we will have only been separated for a short time. I can’t lose hope. That isn’t what Elliot wants. She gives me the strength to carry on, even when I feel lost in my grief. She is the light at the end of the tunnel. She truly is a beautiful gift from God.