Sometimes I think I’ll be okay. I can keep on moving forward knowing Elliot is with me every step of the way. Sometimes I think just feeling her presence all around me will be enough. I can survive with the butterflies, ladybugs, and 3:30am wake up calls. If I continue to connect with her in any way that I can, I will be able to stay afloat.
But then there are days like today. I feel like I am drowning. Nothing will ever be enough. Nothing will ever make this pain bearable. There is no hope left inside me. My hope died when Elliot’s heart stopped beating. I am sad, angry, confused, damaged. I am broken. And I can’t be fixed.
I was terrified when, a few months ago, another bereaved parent told me the pain gets worse with time, not better. I was also surprised. Isn’t there a saying, time heals all wounds? She was right. Time doesn’t heal. Sure, time allows us to learn how to manage the pain better. But the pain itself gets worse. Each day that passes is yet another day without Elliot in my arms. That’s a pretty shitty feeling.
I hate to be a Debbie Downer after a holiday weekend. But if I am going to do this blog thing, I need to be honest. I can’t pretend I am filled with hope and peace every day. My emotions are so intense and overwhelming some days. I have to let them out. Ben and I just “celebrated” our 6 year wedding anniversary. We love each other and feel closer now more than ever. But this weekend didn’t feel like much of a celebration. Holidays and anniversaries are especially difficult. Having both in one day? Well, we survived.
Don’t worry, these feelings of despair won’t last forever. Tomorrow is a new day. I just feel stuck today. Sometimes we, as bereaved parents, involuntarily take a step backwards. I try to put on a brave face every day. But sometimes I just can’t do it. I want to, but I can’t. Sometimes I have trouble catching my breath. Maybe tomorrow will be different…