One year ago today, Ben and I found out we were going to be parents. I wish I could describe just how happy we were in that moment. We fell madly in love with our baby as soon as the word “pregnant” popped up on the test stick. We’re still madly in love with our baby. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love Elliot.

I thought I would be more upset today. I thought I would have a hard time and fall apart at various points in the day. I spent a lot of time thinking about this anniversary in the days leading up to it. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would.

I have also spent a lot of time thinking about the dream I had my first night without Elliot, while still in the hospital. Ben and I were sitting in our car. He was in the driver’s seat. I was in the passenger seat. It was very bright outside. All I could see was the light surrounding our car. I looked back and saw Elliot in her car seat, facing forward. There was a white cloth covering her face, but I could tell she was happy. She was making normal baby sounds and kicking her cute little feet. I looked over at Ben, gently placed my hand on his arm and whispered, “Look, she’s here.”

It was such a peaceful dream. I can’t even describe how at ease I felt when I first woke up. I believe that was Elliot’s way of letting me know she is okay and she’s still with us. She will always be with us.

Maybe the lingering feeling of peace from my dream is getting me through today. Maybe Elliot is whispering in my ear, “It’s okay, mom. I am here.”

Cover photo by Still Mothers – Still Mothers