This morning, I discovered the sunrise can be seen from Elliot’s nursery window. I am usually asleep when the sun comes up. I just happened to wake up early enough today and didn’t think it was worth trying to go back to sleep. As usual, I went into Elliot’s room first thing to open her curtains. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the orange glow through the trees. I sat in Elliot’s room for a little while so we could watch the sunrise together. I tend to think of these moments as gifts from Elliot. She’s trying to remind me that there is still beauty and a lot to appreciate in the world. Even on the dark days when I don’t want to face the world, when I want to forget, the beauty is there. It’s all around me. I just need to stop and look.
I have heard many parents say that once their child turned a certain age, or hit a certain stage in development, they saw the world through their child’s eyes. Things adults normally take for granted are all of a sudden new and exciting…grass, rain, flowers. It’s almost like they experienced these things for the first time themselves, alongside their son or daughter.
When I was pregnant, I often daydreamed about seeing the world through my little girl’s eyes. I couldn’t wait to share all of the things I know about life, nature, and love. I was really looking forward to seeing the world through Elliot’s eyes. In the beginning, the realization that Ben and I will never get to see the world through her eyes added yet another layer of hurt and disappointment to my grief.
Ben and I went to Puerto Rico a few weeks after Elliot passed away. We needed time to ourselves to just be. To be sad, to be angry, to be immersed in our grief, to be with each other, and to be with Elliot spiritually. On one of the last nights, Ben and I sat outside on the patio under the stars. It was a clear, beautiful evening. Ben told me he was really looking forward to showing Elliot the stars. As we sat there and admired the world above us, we realized Elliot was showing us the stars. Because of her, we were able to really appreciate the vastness of the universe. Some things we can see with our eyes. And other things we can only feel in our hearts. I will always hold this memory very close to my heart.
Today Elliot reminded me that if I open my mind and heart, I will see the world through her eyes. I always thought I would teach her about life, nature, and love. Instead, she’s leading the way. She’s teaching me. Seeing the sunrise from Elliot’s window also reminded me of the status update I posted soon after her death.
To this awful news try not to hold on
The day will come, the sun will rise, and we’ll be fine
Please Pardon Yourself – The Avett Brothers
Thank you for the reminders, Elliot. ❤