According to Google, time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.
What is it really? What does it mean to me? Some days it’s everything and other days it means nothing to me. Our lives revolve around time. You, me, the guy in front of you at the store. From conception to death, we are bound by time.
In some ways, time has been kind to me. It has allowed me to work through, understand, and accept my emotions surrounding Elliot’s death (even though I recently accused time of not being helpful at all). It has also brought me further into my grief. Quite frankly, for that reason alone, time is a bit of a bitch.
Some days I am consumed by time. The minutes just tick along very slowly. It feels like an eternity since I last felt Elliot move in my womb. On other days, it goes by so quickly. I can hardly believe it’s only been X number of weeks since we said goodbye to Elliot. Sometimes, I feel the opposite. On days that go by fast, it feels like it has been years since I held Elliot in my arms. Other days just drag on and on. It feels like we were discharged from the hospital just last week. I don’t know if any of that makes sense. Time doesn’t make much sense to me these days. The only constants are our love for Elliot and her physical absence, both more apparent with time.
The idea of time seems to be lost on me. Time feels so strange to me now. Sometimes when I am asked how long ago an event happened, even if it wasn’t that long ago, I don’t remember. It could have been six months ago or two years ago. It’s almost as if my concept of time has diminished over the last four months. My memory is based mostly on the “before” and “after” of Elliot’s death. Maybe that will get better…wait for it…with time.
My biggest struggle with time is that it is the one thing standing between life and death, earth and heaven. It stands between us and Elliot. It continues to bring Ben and me further away from Elliot. But it also brings us closer to her. That’s a hard line to walk. I am balancing between wanting to live my life to the fullest and honor Elliot as best I can with the time I have left and wanting to be with her right now. I am really looking forward to seeing her again someday. I long for that moment, when time is no longer relevant, and I get to hold her in my arms again.
Some days it feels good to have time. Other days I feel like I have too much of it. Even though I seem “okay” most days, I am still in the thick of it all. It has been 16 weeks and 4 days since Elliot was born silent. My heart still aches. I still miss Elliot beyond words. I still cry for my baby, who was denied what was rightfully hers…a life. Those are a few things that will never change during this life, even with time.
Cover photo by CarlyMarie via CarlyMarie – Project Heal