Capture Your Grief – Day 4 – Dark & Light

I think the worst day of my life was when Ben and I were discharged from the hospital and were forced to go home without Elliot. Finding out Elliot had died comes in at a close second, but at least she was still with me in that moment. Her body was still physically in mine. I was in shock and complete disbelief. I convinced myself that the doctors were wrong and Elliot was still alive. Or if her heart really had stopped beating, there would be a miracle and she would come back to life when she was born. I wasn’t ready to give up hope.

As soon as I held Elliot in my arms, I realized she was a miracle. She was not physically alive, but she was still our miracle. She was the light in our darkness from that moment on.

But still, we had to face the harsh reality of going home without Elliot in our arms. The shock had worn off and we were face to face with our emotions. Grief made a new, permanent home in our lives. Even though the darkness of grief doesn’t ever really go away, Elliot’s light shines so bright that I no longer feel consumed by it. She lights the way for me in my new life. I have always been a spiritual person but I feel even more connected to that world through Elliot. Her spirit is very much alive and present. Our relationship is as strong as ever and I know it will continue to grow. Elliot gives me strength and holds my hand as I find my way in this new life of mine. She is my miracle.

Of course, I would not be where I am today without Ben. He is my rock. He is the only other person in this world who truly knows how I feel. I wish I could articulate my love and appreciation for him. But words will never be enough. I love you, Ben. Thank you for lighting my way too.

A message to the many people who have supported us along the way –
You have also been my light. I have so much love and gratitude for each and every one of you. Thank you for holding my other hand through the darkness. Thank you for being brave enough to open your heart to our beautiful baby girl. Thank you.


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