One Victory at a Time

Today is the start of our 11th week with baby #2. My pregnancy with this baby is so different than my pregnancy with Elliot. It’s also very similar in many ways. It’s funny what you block out once your baby is born, only to have “oh yeah, now I remember” moments in subsequent pregnancies.

I had late afternoon/evening pregnancy nausea with Elliot. I remember dreading the evenings because I knew how awful I was going to feel. I think that lasted a few weeks, at most. My nausea with Elliot was NOTHING compared to my nausea with this baby. Even though the nausea has been hard to deal with, I welcome it because it is a reminder that my baby is growing in my womb.

I had a moment of panic when at I started to feel better at 8 weeks. I emailed my perinatal counselor and called my OB’s office. They both reassured me that it is normal for the nausea to come and go. My OB scheduled an ultrasound to put my mind at ease. Phew! I was so relieved. Then, two hours later, my nausea came back with a vengeance. I was kicking myself for getting so worked up about something so little.

This was not my first moment of panic and it certainly wasn’t my last. The truth is, when it comes to pregnancy, especially pregnancy after loss, it’s always better to ask, no matter how little or insignificant you think the issue may be. If it worries you, call and ask. That’s what they are there for. Best case scenario, everything is okay and you can rest easy, even if it’s just for a few moments, which is better for you and the baby.

I’ve been feeling better again. Even though I’m enjoying the break from feeling queasy at the mere thought of food, the little voice in the back of my head is still there, wondering if everything is okay. That voice will remain right where it is until this baby is safe in my arms come late November or early December. Sometimes it will be louder, other times it will be softer. As much as I want to get rid of it, it will always be there.

I had my second scare a couple weeks ago when I noticed something that I had not experienced when I was pregnant with Elliot. Again, I contacted my perinatal counselor and my OB. Both tried to reassure me that it was probably fine, but it would be good to double check and put my mind at ease. I had an ultrasound that morning, and sure enough our baby was dancing around with a strong heartbeat.

It’s so scary not knowing what you are going to see, or not see, on the screen. I was in tears as I laid down on the table and prepared myself for the worst. The ultrasound tech told me I have a small subchorionic hematoma, which is common in pregnancy. She asked if this is my first pregnancy. I answered no, and told her it’s technically my third. Silence filled the room for a brief moment, and then she asked if any have been successful. Once again, I told her no. Not yet, at least. I could almost hear her heart sink. Her response was very kind and heartfelt. I don’t remember her exact words, but it was how she said them that made a difference. She cared. And then, like many times before, I sat there wondering how we got to this point – to this very moment in time with Ben holding my hand as I cried my eyes out to a stranger, explaining my pregnancy history.

We left the OBs office feeling exhausted and relieved. Our baby was okay.

I never took my pregnancy with Elliot for granted, but I definitely understand more now than ever that each and every day with this baby is a miracle. Our time spent with both babies is a blessing.

Today, I’m pregnant and our baby is okay.

That’s been my mantra from the beginning. And that will be my mantra this entire pregnancy. I am taking it one day at a time. Each new week feels like a victory.

With Elliot by our side, we start this week off victoriously.

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