My Rainbow and My Stars

Pregnancy is such a special time. A time not to be rushed or wished away. But I can’t help but want December to come as quickly as possible. Normally, the thought of winter rolling in makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I’m not one for short days and cold nights. But this year it seems so much more bearable with a snuggly baby in my arms. The thought of the weather turning is comforting. I want to pull out my winter coat and boots. When I do, it will mean our little girl is that much closer to coming home with us.

I just want her to come home with us.

It’s so hard not knowing what the future holds. I’m trying to stay as optimistic as possible. We’ve already made room for our new daughter in our lives. As scary as that is after all that we’ve been through, it’s also therapeutic and helps me feel even more connected to her. We are also keeping space for Elliot. She’ll always be in our hearts, of course. But we feel it is incredibly important to keep physical space for her too, especially in the nursery. We set up a memory corner just for her.

Last night, Ben and I took down the original wall decal put up for Elliot. I remember working so hard to get every single leaf just right. My belly and heart were so swollen with love when I first put it up. I was filled with so much pride and joy, for my baby and the hard work getting her special space ready. We’ve changed some things around in Elliot’s room since she was born, but for some reason this one particular decoration made me very emotional. I knew it was going to be hard taking it down. But still, I felt it was time to get something new that represents both girls. So after a good cry, Ben and I took down the giraffes (which we transferred to paper for Elliot’s scrapbook) and trees and put up the rainbow and stars. And as I write this, I realize that once again, I put up our new decal with a belly and heart swollen with love.

Many people refer to babies born after loss as rainbow babies – the rainbow after the storm. I know this term is also bothersome to some people because they feel as though it refers to their angel baby as a storm. I can see why people either love it or don’t love it. Personally, I am okay with the term rainbow baby. Elliot is not the storm. The tragedy of losing her is the storm. I don’t use the term rainbow a lot when talking about baby girl, but I’m also not opposed to it. All I know is I love rainbows, and now I think of both girls when I see one. They are where I find hope, love, and peace. I also like that the rainbow decal looks very similar to the rainbow on Elliot Bear.

I love the new decal because it reminds me of both girls – my rainbow and my stars. My daughters. ❤


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