My Girls

**Trigger warning – current pregnancy discussed**


As you may know, I am participating in Carly Marie’s Capture Your Grief Project for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. So far, it’s going okay. I’ve decided not to step too far outside my comfort zone this year. I want to acknowledge my grief and protect my heart at the same time. I was a little reserved with yesterday’s post. Mostly because the subject brings up a lot of raw emotion. I’ve dealt with PTSD on several occasions since becoming pregnant with Brynn. I expected that. I’ve also dealt a lot with memories and images from our time at the hospital that are incredibly hard to talk about. They are ingrained in me. There are difficult and heart-wrenching emotions surrounding them. But they are a part of me. I think about them a lot. Sometimes I don’t have any words to describe them. I feel them in my heart and soul, and for me, that’s enough. Sometimes, I don’t need to find the words.

When this month started, I wondered if I was expected to focus on Elliot alone. Is it okay to talk about Brynn and my happiness surrounding this pregnancy? Will anyone find it offensive or hurtful if I choose to talk about and celebrate both babies during the month of October?

I realized there are no rules. I will continue to share my joy and sorrow. I live with both every day. I don’t want to upset anyone, but I must continue to share my journey in real time. This month will be filled with posts on here and on my Facebook page about both girls. It’s an important time to reflect on my experiences with Elliot and to celebrate my pregnancy with Brynn. Sometimes they feel totally separate from one another, and other times they are tightly intertwined.

I will post a trigger warning before each of my posts this month for anyone who may not want to read about my current pregnancy. It’s okay if you don’t. This is a hard time of year. Just as I need to protect my heart, you need to protect yours. Please know my heart is with you and your precious baby. I do hope you will still follow along with the Capture Your Grief posts.

Now, for my Brynn update. I’m 29 weeks and officially in my third trimester. We started weekly ultrasounds and non-stress test monitoring today. Brynn is growing well and my placenta looks healthy. I’m constantly wondering about these two things, so it is really nice that I will know how things are progressing each week. Brynn is about 3 lbs. and is practicing her breathing exercises. She’s really working on her big girl skills. Ben and I are so proud of her. It’s been really fun getting to know her. She already has quite the personality. I think we’re going to have our hands full, and we couldn’t be more excited about this new adventure. Here is the latest profile of our sweet girl. I think she has her daddy’s nose. The same adorable nose as Elliot. ❤

When we go to the hospital for monitoring, it is rarely just about Brynn. We talk about Elliot a lot with the nurses and doctors. Sometimes it’s about our history – how Elliot passed away and the things we are doing to hopefully reduce our risks for another loss. And other times it’s about how we are coping with our loss and getting through this pregnancy. I like when the nurses ask me specific questions about Elliot, like her name and birthday. It feels really good when people acknowledge her.

Today, we had a very nice nurse who asked if it was okay to talk about Elliot. She recognized that some people are more comfortable than others when it comes to talking about loss and their babies. I really like that she asked what our preference is rather than assuming one way or the other. I used that opportunity to tell her how much we love talking about Elliot – so much that we do it every day! Being the proud mother that I am, I showed her the beautiful Elliot necklace I wore today.

The nurse also asked if I’m enjoying this pregnancy. I think that’s the first time a healthcare professional has asked me that question. Quite honestly, I am. I really appreciate that this nurse was thoughtful enough to ask this question. She understands it isn’t easy. Still, I am enjoying this pregnancy way more than I ever thought possible.

Today was a really good day. I have both girls to thank for that.

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