I honestly can’t believe I’m about to type the following words. Our induction is set for just after 37 weeks. That’s the end of this month/very beginning of next month.
I’m full of so many emotions right now. I know Ben is too, but he’s doing a great job of keeping me grounded and sane. I have been trying to figure out how much I want to share and what I should keep to myself as we move through the final weeks of this pregnancy. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to publicly share our plans for induction. I’m not quite sure why. Maybe out of fear that I may somehow jinx something? Which I know simply isn’t true. Sharing, or not sharing, will not change our outcome.
Part of me wants to just hide from the world for the next four weeks. But the other part of me is afraid to hide. I’ve been so open about my journey so far. The thought of closing myself away is kind of scary and doesn’t sit well with my heart.
I know I’ve said this before, but pregnancy after loss is so incredibly difficult. It’s a true blessing, but it’s also scary and exhausting. I wake up every night to use the bathroom. I cannot fall back asleep until I know Brynn is okay in there. So I wait for her gentle kicks for reassurance. I’m constantly pausing throughout my day to make sure I’ve felt her move at least once every hour. I’m doing my kick counts, of course. I hold my breath before every appointment, praying that she’s still growing and developing as she should. So far, she’s been called a superstar and show off for doing so well. Ben and I are already so proud of our girl.
We’ve done a lot to prepare for Brynn’s arrival. Some of it has been easy and fun, like buying some new items and picking up Christmas presents (a lot!) for her. But other things have been very difficult. We took what I consider to be a giant leap of faith yesterday and signed up for a FSA dependent account for 2017 through our insurance. I just couldn’t help but ask myself one question over and over again – how do we know we’ll get to use this? The truth is we don’t know. But I’m choosing to have faith that we will.
I’m struggling to install the car seat, set up her bassinet, and even pack our hospital bag. The car seat and bassinet can wait until she’s born. I think I’m finally ready to start putting together our hospital bag this weekend. I even have Brynn’s little coming home outfit picked out.
I apologize that I haven’t been as present as I’d like to be in some of my relationships/friendships. I’m trying to get by one day at a time. All of my energy is going into Brynn and making sure she gets to come home with us in four weeks. I’m also working on self-care. Even though I’m scared and stressed, I’m also incredibly happy and filled with so much excitement right now.
Prayers and positive thoughts are welcome and very much appreciated as we count down the days to Brynn’s grand entrance into this world. ❤️