I’ve tried to write a new blog post at least a dozen times since my last update. I’ve thought about writing every day since then, but I’ve struggled to find my words.
I went into the city today for the second time since Brynn’s arrival. The first time was emotional. I felt like I didn’t belong. Like I shouldn’t have been outside of the little bubble Ben and I had created since bringing Brynn home. I didn’t want to be away from Brynn, and I was afraid something bad would happen if I wasn’t there. It’s not that I didn’t trust Ben. I trust him more than myself most days. I didn’t trust the universe. Ever. Not even when I was around. The last time I fully trusted the universe, I was let down in the worst possible way. I lost a huge piece of myself. I lost Elliot.
Today was different. I’ve had more time to adjust to my new life with Brynn, who is doing fantastic by the way. I’m going back to work next week. I’m not looking forward to it, but it’s a necessity. Going into the city on my own a few times has been good practice. I know I’ll cry and I’ll miss Brynn like crazy. But it will be okay.
As I walked through the city this afternoon, outside my bubble, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Like REALLY lifted. I’ve stayed mostly hidden in my comfortable bubble since Brynn was born. I wanted to write about her birth and our new life in the early days, but I just couldn’t find the words. Today I realized that’s because there aren’t any words. The emotions surrounding the birth of a living baby after loss and bringing her home are indescribable. At least for now. I accept that I can’t share this part of my story yet. And that’s okay.
So why the title I’m Ready? While on my walk, I also realized I’m ready to trust the universe a little bit more. I have regained faith that things can be okay. I’ll never fully let my guard down, but I believe again.
I’m ready to start writing again. I’m ready to start talking about parenting after loss. I’m ready to offer support to families grieving the loss of a baby or child. I’m ready to help mamas through pregnancy after loss. I’m ready to continue sharing my story with the hope that it will help even one grieving mama feel less alone. I’m ready to continue the conversation about grief and healing, light and darkness, gratitude and love. I’m ready to continue my journey of self-discovery as a mother to a living child and a deceased child.