It’s been fairly quiet here lately. Not because I haven’t wanted to write. I miss writing quite a bit, actually. Life is just busy, and I haven’t figured out how to work writing back into it on a regular basis. I’m still trying to figure out what this blog should really be about. I know I’ve touched on this a little before, and I suppose it doesn’t really matter. It can be whatever I want. It started as an outlet to share my grief and my love for Elliot. It gave me an opportunity to really dig deep and explore my feelings during the most difficult time of my life. I also wanted other mamas to know they weren’t alone in their journey through pregnancy and infant loss. And then I got pregnant with Brynn, and it became a way for me to share my pregnancy after loss (PAL) experience. Being open with my feelings of joy and anxiety allowed me to truly celebrate my PAL, and I needed the support.
I’m in a very different place than I was almost three years ago. Life has changed so much. I’m parenting after loss now, something I wasn’t sure I’d ever have the chance to do. My grief and the way I express it has changed. The grief will never go away, but how I choose to live with it continues to evolve. Living without one of your children is never easy, but I’ve learned how to keep moving forward. After almost three years, it doesn’t feel easier, just different. The grief is manageable. To be completely honest, I’ve been feeling a little more guarded with my grief since Elliot’s second birthday. Something about the third year feels incredibly difficult. I can’t explain it. We don’t talk about our grief as much at home, and that seems to be okay for us right now. We do still talk about Elliot all the time. She continues to be an important part of our lives. But we don’t talk about the pain of her absence as much. There wasn’t a collective decision to handle things this way, it just sort of happened. And not because it doesn’t hurt as much. Ben and I both feel it still; we always will. I guess we’re just dealing with things differently. At least, I am. I’ve internalized my grief. Maybe I talked SO much at the beginning that I ran out of words. But my heart feels it just as fiercely. I can’t tell you how often I find myself wiping tears from cheeks on the train to and from work, when I’m alone, lost in my thoughts. Or when I watch Brynn run around the house, exploring and getting into everything, wishing she had her big sister to help guide her. Imagining what my life would be like with two little girls.
Even though the pain is still very much present, so is the love. I am still amazed by the love and joy that Elliot has brought to our lives. One of my favorite quotes is “grief is the price we pay for love.” I wouldn’t trade the time we had with Elliot for anything, even if it meant sparing myself the pain. She was and is worth every tear.
And then there’s Brynn. My sweet girl who brings so much joy and light to my life, way more than I ever imagined possible. She makes every day so sweet. I have so much to be thankful for, and she’s at the top of my list. I don’t know what kind of mom I would have been to Elliot had she lived. I’d like to think I would have been every bit as appreciative, patient, and loving as I am with Brynn. But the truth is, Elliot changed me to the core, and I am fairly certain that I am a better mother to Brynn because of her.
If we’re friends in real life or on Facebook, you already know our big family news. But I haven’t shared the news here yet.
We’re expecting baby #3!
We shared this announcement with our family and friends last month.
Because we are choosing hope over fear.
Because we believe in celebrating today.
Because we are choosing to live in the moment.
Because we believe in the power of prayer, love, and support from our family and friends.
We are thrilled to announce we’ve made space in our lives for another little miracle.
Baby Davis #3
Due August 2018
To my littlest darling, you are already so loved. ❤
Up until about five months ago, I was terrified to get pregnant again. I shared my feelings in a blog post, and boy did it feel good to get the weight of all that off my shoulders. Ben and I decided to just see where life would take us next. AND SURPRISE, here we are!
Being pregnant again after loss has come with many ups and downs, as expected. I’m nervous, scared, and anxious. But I’m also excited, hopeful, and happy. Life feels really wonderful right now. Happiness and sadness still co-exist, but that’s the way life is. It’s never just one or the other.
I’m trying to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. I’m 11 weeks today, and I’m so thankful to have made it this far. I’m trying to focus on one milestone at a time. My first victory was getting strong HCG beta results, and then seeing the baby’s heartbeat. My next victory will be making it to the second trimester. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed that we will make it there. And then I will focus my sights and prayers on the next milestone – our first trimester screening (which coincides with my transition to the second trimester).
Part of me wishes we could just fast forward to August, but I’m really just taking it one day at a time. I’m trying to live in the moment. Today is a good day. I truly am one lucky mama…to THREE beautiful babies.