Sometimes my thoughts are neatly wrapped together and easy to articulate. And then there are days like today, when they feel a little jumbled and messy. That’s how grief works. It’s complex and confusing. There is no rhyme or reason to the ups and downs. It just is.
I don’t feel upset today.
Of course, I am still sad. I will always be sad that my daughter is not here with me. But I am not overcome with the intense sorrow that sometimes hits me so forcefully that it knocks me down and makes it almost impossible to breathe.
Not today, at least.
I’m not angry. I’m not at peace. I’m not happy. I’m not drowning in my tears.
I just am.
Today, I am drifting along. Life is moving at a normal pace for everyone around me. Maybe even a little faster. But I am stuck in slow motion, watching everyone else move and grow.
I am stuck between two worlds. The one where I am expected to carry on with my everyday life. I get up in the morning and go to work, then go home and tend to the chores in the evening. I go through the motions. My body is on autopilot.
My heart and mind are elsewhere. They are with my little girl. I never stop thinking about her. She is on my mind when I wake up and when I fall asleep. I dream about her. I see traces of her beautiful spirit in everything. I am never without her and she is never without me.
Yes, we physically reside in different worlds. But our hearts are one. For that reason, we will never truly be separated. She is still mine and I am still hers.
Even with all the confusion and conflicting feelings, one thing remains clear and untouched – our love. A mother is never confused about the love she shares with her child.
The love I share with my daughter carries me from one day to the next, between both worlds. It is never vague or ambiguous. Our love is the only thing that makes sense to me. Our love keeps me alive.
Our love will live on forever.
Shared on October 14, 2015